Purpose. Conflicted...

Do you know your purpose in life. I question mine all the time. After all, what do I do? Homeschool, mother, be a wife, artist sometimes, blogger sometimes, confidante when needed. And I'm not very consistent with any of them. I always feel like I should be doing something different, something more. I pray about it and what my purpose is in life but don't feel like I have a clear answer from God. Sometimes I think maybe that IS my answer. What I'm doing is where he wants me to be at this very moment. Maybe my purpose feels undefined because I'm not meeting the potential of the purposes I'm purporting to do at the moment. 

The little one an I are studying Romans 12. Verse 1-2 says: 

¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

I question my committment to not conforming to the pattern of this world. I eat too much, I complain too much, I'm lazy a lot of the time, I watch too much TV, and its not all gospel TV either. I'm a CSI fanatic and anything close to it. Am I conforming if I watch all this stuff? I profess my hatred of the news and don't watch it but by watching these other shows, isn't that just as bad? Oh, it's my entertainment, I say. Doesn't hurt anyone, I don't let my kids watch it. Then I get to thinking, if I don't let them watch it, why am I? It's like rated R movies. Some of them are so good, but have language I don't care for or bedroom scenes I don't need to see. I don't let my kids watch it, why is it okay for me? Am I a conformer after all?  

And another thought, maybe I'm not hearing what God's will is for my life because I'm conforming? It does say 'be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.'

Conform: 

1. To correspond in form or character; be similar.

2. To act or be in accord or agreement; comply:

3. To act in accordance with current customs or modes.

God calls us to not be like other people. He wants us to be so different in our deeds and everyday life that people will take notice and say 'I want to know what they have and how I can get it.' We live in a flawed world, if I'm doing the same things the world does, aren't I a part of the problem? If I do nothing to fix a problem or injustice in this world, aren't I really agreeing to it?

My problem lately is thinking I want to make changes in how I am and then trying to reconcile that to a whole family changing our ways. Everyone in the family might not be on the same convicted pages as me. Where do I go from there?

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world... This world is selfish, angry, encouraging others to  only lookout for 'el numbero uno'. Our children are pushed into adulthood at young ages by the things they see, the things they hear, the relationships they are allowed to participate in, the situations we stand by and allow them to handle on their own. Our children can not learn to 'not be of this world' if we're not setting the example for them. If not us, who will they be looking to? Other children? Is that where we want them to learn all about life? I think not.  But when I think of all the changes I think I should make, quit watching TV, not be on the computer mindlessly, should be more organized, more of a housewife/cleaner/cook, setting the example for my family, volunteer, mission somewhere, be more involved in my church and my extended family's lives; I get overwhelmed. I mean I don't think we have to step back into the stone ages or into a quaker lifestyle; there must be a happy medium where I still feel like I'm NOT conforming to this world. These verses convict me more than I really care to say.

I got off track here about purpose, which is really pertaining to further verses. Maybe that will be another blog post. I'm feeling conflicted tonight. Okay, off to plan my history lesson (that's a whole other blog post as well.)